Brave girl NOT eating: A story of recovery from Eating Disorder – by Huang Huanyan, Peer Helper 2017

My Story

I was born in 2000, and lived with my grandmother for 3 years since I was 8 months old. As my grandparents were business people, I had much more freedom than other children, which had its pros and cons. As a family member I was expected to be careful with my behaviour, especially when around “outsiders”. The ability to do so successfully and near flawlessly stemmed from my keen observation and hence, knowledge of what I should or should not do to get on every individual’s good side. Thinking back, it probably contributed to my skillful hiding of my illness.

No one knew the single main reason why I began inculcating unhealthy eating habits in my early teens. Eating disorder is like a cloud that slowly builds and sleeps into my life without me even realising. But one day people began noticing, and in 2014 I was referred to the school counsellor, where my struggle with recovery began. I was first referred to SGH Life Centre, and recovered partially before I dropped out of outpatient.

Eating disorders, as the name suggests, is having a disordered pattern of eating due to reasons related to poor mental health. The behavioural symptoms of eating disorders can be broadly categorised into restrictive and overeating. Common restrictive types of eating disorders include anorexia nervosa, eating disorder not otherwise specified, and bulimia. I had anorexia nervosa with compulsive exercise – except I didn’t recognise my obsessive exercise routines with 2h jogging and 1h circuit training daily as disordered.

Based on numerous articles, social media is often a causal risk factor for the development of eating disorders, where it has a strong influence on a person’s body dissatisfaction, eating patterns, and poor self-concept. Research also shows that those with more exposure to social media are 2.2 times more likely to get an eating disorder. Perhaps one reason for my relapse was because when I was on the road to recovery for the first time, I was still very much into social media. Instead of the conventional thinspiration or pro-anorexia content most people think of as part of “triggering material”, however, I was more involved in the community for eating disorder recovery. While there are inspirational messages, I found solace in focusing on the negativity instead. Many patients were sharing their fears with eating – something I could relate to very well. Such content influenced me, and my posts were in turn also filled with negativity. I would share my lunch, eaten in shame in a dark room at the corner of our school, somewhere not a lot of people goes to unless there are enrichment lessons or special exams. In a sick way, I liked the attention I was getting, the attention from those who said that this was not enough.

My Recovery Journey

I was extremely against inpatient treatment, and in the first week I cheated many times, and was extremely miserable. My mother brought me a sketchbook, as she know that drawing was the only way I could vent my emotions. Initially I merely sketched, as I always did – referencing photos, perfecting the drawing of eyes based on my own imaginations, sometimes sketching even stationery. But later I discovered journalling, and began experimenting with art journalling. The journal recorded inspirational quotes, my days in the hospital. I personified ED as a “monster” – a stick figure roaming around me, because to me it is indeed a voice in my head, telling me what I should and should not do, giving me criticisms that logically I knew were not true. This journal was the original form of the book I wrote – “Brave Girl not Eating” .

Social media, ironically, played an important role in my recovery. The hashtag “ED recovery” is a community on Instagram which I used to be part of, where recovering anorexics post body positivity quotes. My hospital experience gave me the ability to filter negative messages. And that was when I discovered the world of positive recovery. Food pictures are paired with positive quotes, such as “Accept yourself, because you will never be so happy with an ED. Life is beautiful and so are you.” “Before and after” recovery picture comparisons show patients in their worst and brightest stages, accompanied by a motivational caption such as “This morning at 4am 3 years ago I was given a second chance at life, another opportunity too be, to do and to explore” and “I’m so thankful and grateful and blessed that I am not where I was this time January 10 2015”

I also chanced upon a whole new community – the world of food blogs, where people, instead of sharing merely their food, also shared their daily life with so much positivity. Simple happy times such as “I absolutely love waking up super early and enjoying this incredible sunshine with the company of a big bowl of granola”, and cheerful messages to readers. These are paired with vibrant pictures, where the burst of colours further highlight the positivity. Food blogging is not just about food – it is also about the content of the blog, where expression of personal opinions on various topics is allowed. Hence some may choose to post thoughtful messages, where they question the reasons why certain social scenarios exist.

The positive influence meant that my posts are now positive, bright, with aspects of my life behind the scenes. I no longer sought the attention given to me because I was eating too little, but was showered with praises of “wow, I really enjoy reading your reviews” and “your photos and captions are so bright and cheerful they made my day!”

I would like to think of the book “Brave Girl not Eating” as a snippet to the now colourful world of my life, post recovery and looking back with a slightly more objective lens, and to the newer, more detailed and hopefully more exciting second edition. Individually, I hope to grow and inspire more people. Eating disorders should not define who I am as an individual, and this holds true for everyone who went through the same experience as me.

Tips from “Brave Girl not Eating”

To sum up, here are some tips extracted from my book. Families are often seen as a influential factor in each other’s lives – a key reason why eating disorders are often seen to have multiple occurrences in the same household, and why Maudsley family approach is so useful. A useful prevention measure is to avoid excessively comparing family members to others. Sometimes this comparison can be unconscious, but it might foster low self-worth. A good alternative will be to focus on comparing others to their past instead, and acknowledge their achievements and improvements etc. Avoid punishing or rewarding children with food, because this stimulates the excessive association of food with emotions. Children might therefore, in the later stages of life, begin either depriving themselves of food as a sort of self-punishment, or see as less than a necessity for sustaining life and something that they “earn”. Finally, be aware of how you behave around food, where it is often noticed that when parents practice mindful eating, children will follow suit, and vice versa. Of course, that is not limited to parents and children – the same holds true between/amongst siblings as well.

For all of us as individuals, it is important to understand that everyone is different. As such, there is no need to berate yourself for being unlike someone you look up to – everyone have their own strengths and weaknesses, with their individual quirks and talents. This is especially so when it comes to physical appearances – basic biology and genetics will tell you that everyone has different natural body compositions. Trying to strive for something that you cannot achieve without forcing your body into a state of disequilibrium is not worth the effort, and counter-effective – there will be trade-offs, which often outweighs the benefits.

Try not to see everything as black and white, something I like to call extremist thinking. This is often overlooked, but I personally think it is crucial – no one can be positive, or happy, or lead a balanced healthy lifestyle 100% of the time. No one is perfect, and there will always be slip-ups, and slip-ups are alright. The danger lies in beginning to develop the idea that one mishap will spiral into ultimate failure, and losing hope entirely because of one incident. And when mishaps actually happen, remember that food is not a solution for problems. In fact, to use food as a solution by not eating or eating too much will result in the formation of yet another problem, without truly contributing to the resolution of this current issue. Finally, remember that you eat for yourself, and not for others. And contrary to popular belief, conventional forms of dieting by cutting back consumption of food is not cool – it only isolates yourself, preventing you from going all out in socialising with others, because when one becomes too fixated on dieting it is almost natural that avoidance of social situations involving food will ensue. Even where there is no avoidance, anxiety to stick to your diet plans leads to increased restrictions on self and prevent you from fully engaging what is truly more meaningful – connecting with others.

By Huang Huanyan, 18A03A Peer Helper 2017 batch

Huanyan has written and illustrated a book about her recovery from eating disorder, and has presented her story at the Raffles Science Symposium – Mental Health Science Strand 2018 and RGS Peer Support Sharing 2018.